Boys Are Stupid. Really.

I am really beginning to get pissed at JW for not fucking calling me. What the fuck is his fucking deal??? It's like he is playing a head game. He'll act all hurt and disappointed if I am unavailable, but then when I obviously want to hang out and am perfectly available to do so, he runs home to mommy. Interesting behavior.

Men are so fucking stupid. I sometimes wish I actually had lesbian tendencies because I really understand women a lot more. They just don't feel the need to fuck with you like that. I mean, what is his motherfucking problem??? he is the one who initiated this whole thing, and I just thought, OK, so he ain't all that, but I need to get laid. Now, I haven't had any in a while (well, in the overall scheme of things, what's two weeks compared to two years), but still, what is the point of having some dude around that you don't really give a shit about to get laid? When you have once again become a member of the "Ain't Gettin' Any Support Group" but still have some dork that you have nothing to really say to playing some whacked-out head game? What you have left, it seems, is BULLSHIT.

Men really are fucked up. They do the most insane things. I really think something is genetically wrong with them. Even the intelligent ones. Especially the intelligent ones. Having the capacity to assimilate knowledge, they then proceed to process it in some way that has no connection to reality and no concern for anyone but themselves. I just don't really understand, I guess. It's like they can pretend for a while, then their true nature reveals itself. I don't know why I have so much bitterness toward men. It's not like I believe that men are in any way superior or even that they have control of the whole world the way some people think they do. I mean, so a lot of politicians and world leaders are men, but a lot of the people who actually make things run are women. Men just can't do it on their own. PA is a wonderful example. When he has a wonderful person taking care of all his shit, he somehow manages to hold it together, but then when he gets what he thinks he wants, he can't hold onto it. But back to philosophizing on why men are fucked up. They just don't get it.

I sometimes think that I am the one who has a skewed perspective. I know I don't see the world the way a lot of women do. I don't recall ever being disrespected for being a woman. That may have something to do with the fact that, because of the way I look (or think I do), I don't always think of myself as a potential sex partner first and a human being second. So, I am able to get over a lot of the dominance/submission thing simply because I refuse to factor that into the equation. I talk to people the same way, regardless of what sexual organs grace their nether regions. However, hearing the awy some men talk to and treat other women, I don't really understand it. Am I just asexual or masculine enough for them to treat me like one of the guys, or do they treat me that way because I don't expect them to be looking for a piece.

A friend, DT, proclaims female superiority at the top of her lungs, but she spends a lot of her time worrying about male behavior. Her sex talk is the opposite of the whole "woman as secondary" thing. She is very frank and open, which I admire, but her overreaction to being treated in any way she sees as offensive is just stupid. She asks for it...not always, but sometimes. When you are very confrontational and "in your face," you don't expect anyone to fight back. And when she has to deal with an actual fight, she whines and backs off.

HW was the same way. She would try her hardest to act like men were playthings and that she was Goddess of All Creation. But when she was attracted to someone, she immediately became a totally different person. WHY??? What is it about sex that makes people undergo a personality makeover? What the fuck is wrong with just being yourself all the time with everyone? Sure, dress up, flirt, play the game, but don't turn the game into a whole new lifestyle. Because eventually, you and your partner will both become yourselves again, and that seems to be the critical point where most relationships end. Two to three years, when the novelty of sex has become the redundancy and the things you thought love would overcome are suddenly the most fucking annoying things in the whole fucking world. So you start over. And the circle turns again, and no one ever really feels fulfilled because they think that surely, there must be something more than this.

Well, what if there isn't? That would certainly change a lot of the games that men and women play. Suddenly, it wouldn't be about making them stay forever and getting over things but about just having fun for as long as you could. Probably healthier, and it would sure put an end to the female fantasy of love forever and the male white knight problem. That way, you would go into it knowing that you may love the other person, but you really love yourself more. Maybe that is the real definition of true love. Not that "you are my whole world and you make me hot and tingly and happy and my life depends on you" shit, but "I love myself and you're pretty cool and if you love yourself as much as I love myself then maybe we can be happy and have a good time and really give a shit."

The way I see love now...love is about sacrifice. About giving up parts of your life that are meaningful to be with another person and them doing the same for you. About wanting and needing. But why does society condition women to think that sacrifice is essential to love and eternal bliss, and men to think that sacrifice is a baseball term? Then, when relationships don't work out, women cry on each other's shoulders. Men watch football. Women wonder what they did wrong, and why they couldn't make the other person happy, and why, no matter how fucked up the asshole obviously is, they were unable to save them. When BB did all that shit, I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I was ugly, uninspiring, and generally not a cool enough person to inspire deep feelings. What I realize NOW is that he is utterly fucked in the head and there is nothing that I could have done to make him love me. I guess what really damaged me more than anything else is that no one else really liked him. That made me feel like an even bigger loser because I couldn't even make an asshole outcast want me, so how the fuck could I actually expect anyone worthwhile to care?

That may be the root of my problems. Looking back on my childhood, my dad was kind of an asshole too. I was never really sure that his love didn't have a bunch of qualifiers. Neither was my mom's. So I spent all my time looking for love without conditions and ignoring or doubting it when I did encounter it. I spent my time seeking approval from those who were not equipped to give it and being disappointd when their approval and admiration and respect and love were not forthcoming.

I think I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that both of my parents are inherently fucked up and they will probably always fall short of my need for love and approval. However, I at least am beginning to realize the need for self-love and self-respect, and hopefully I will be able to actualize these things and not just know that I probably ought to have them. I sure as hell know that even if I do begin to doubt my own abilities and talents and good qualities again, I will never ever allow myself to get so close to the edge of the cliff. I will never again think that the only purpose anyone has for throwing me a rope is so that I can hang myself with it.